Propane? Might as well take an axe to your groin – you’re a pussy.
I don’t care that charcoal smells like shit and causes cancer (to my baby). Charcoal is the real deal. I don’t go to a gas station and wait for some teenager with a certificate to pump my propane into a cute white cylinder. Charcoal comes straight from the earth. Sometimes I go to a mine and dig it up myself. I come home all covered in black, and fire up the barbeque. My neighbour’s wife is so consumed with my man-power that she can’t sleep with her husband for weeks, and leaves me dirty little notes that smell like perfume and salmon. My wife understands that it’s a normal part of being married to a man that fires up the charcoal.

My charcoal barbeque doesn’t have a hinged lid that tips open like a robot-muppet’s head. The lid comes right off. I have nowhere to put it except the ground, where it singes the grass, sometimes setting a fire that I have to put out with a pint of Blue. It has no adjustment knobs or dials – additions which have made men’s hands dainty and weak. It’s just a saucer full of charcoal; it burns as it will.
I don’t have little ledges for my utensils, food, spices, bowls, anything. Ledges are for resting, and resting is for people who download episodes of Lost. Don’t ask why, just accept. Nor do I have a side burner – the greatest travesty in barbequing history. “Oh, I know. I’ll grill some sirloin steak here, and whip up some cous-cous here”. A barbeque with a side burner is like a wrestler in a speedo.

I can grill anything on my charcoal barbeque. Steak, chicken, pork, fish, whole onions (you can eat them like an apple), potato, shish kabob, ground beef – that’s right, ground beef.

I’m not going to be that guy that brags about the “smokey taste” or tells you the food tastes better. I don’t know if it does. Barbequing has never been about the taste. I can throw a Master Choice Rising Crust pizza into the oven and get “good taste”. Barbequing is about the process, beginning to end.

Starting the barbeque:

Propane
Turn some precious knobs and press a plastic button that goes “toonks!” A little flame will appear.

Charcoal
Dump in a mound of charcoal, shape it as best you can into a pyramid, and light it with crumpled up Pennysavers that you crammed underneath the lower grill.

Turning the barbeque off:

Propane
Turn some precious knobs until the flame flickers out.

Charcoal
Close the vents, suffocating the coals.

Get a charcoal barbeque like mine.

GPS and cellphones are not a substitute for a plan

Imagine two families taking a road trip, from the city they live in to a campground 600 kilometres away. They have all the information they need before they go. They have the location of the campground and campsite, and they will be taking the same highways. One person in each family has a cell phone, and each vehicle has a GPS. It’s 09:00. They take off, driving one behind the other.
When it’s about lunch time, one of the kids starts text-messaging another about where to stop. There’s a McDick’s in Milton, or a Tim Fire ‘Em’s just before you hit Guelph. They agree to meet at McDicks and all goes well. GPS’ guides our families back onto the highway.
Gas station pit-stop. Another flurry of text messages ensures the cars stick together for this stop, and a GPS guides our families to a gas station in a small town.
They arrive at the campsite hours later, using a combination of text messaging and cell phone calls to find their way along some wooded roads and to their long weekend vacation spot.

Usually, everything goes fine. But what ever happened to making a good plan? Here are some of the problems with relying on technology and eschewing plans.

1) We spend time - what is essentially leisure time - following directions, amending routes, saving routes, setting “waypoints”, text messaging, calling, overall “planning as you go”. It’s leisure time in the sense that you could be listening to music, the news, or… having a conversation!

2) Technology fails. It runs out of batteries, it malfunctions, it can’t find a satellite, the cell phone gets dipped in coffee by a baby. However, a good plan always includes a back-up plan: “If we get separated, our first meeting spot will be inside the Tim Fire ‘Em’s at the Shmell rest-stop outside of Cobourg. We will meet between 12:00 and 1:00. If I am not there by 1:00, our next meeting spot will be the Salmonburger’s off of highway 13 for dinner between 5:00 and 6:00.”

3) You’re distracted by your toys. Instead of cranking the latest Stone Gods track, and checking out the ladies on the street corner, you’re looking at your stupid screen, missing out on all that eye candy, probably about to get side-swiped by a fat chick driving a Windstar.

People who rely on their GPS are lazy. They are zombies. They leave the house not really knowing the route they will take, drooling as they close the door behind them, eyes rolled back, keys dangling lazily, penis hanging out. They let their GPS do the work. They follow directions. They shut their brains off. Even when all their senses are telling them they are lost, they follow the instructions of their GPS: “turn right at next intersection”, “take next exit”, and “wink at this girl pulling up on your left”.

Here are some forum messages by people who obviously rely too much on their GPS:

“A map won’t tell you all the Chinese restaurants within 5 miles with phone numbers to call to see if they are still open at 10pm on a Sunday (when the event is over) or where the closest all night copy shop is.”

“It has become and very valuable tool not only for directions but giving you phone numbers for hotels, restaurants, car dealerships etc.”

This is information you could have gained with a few phone calls, no more than a few minutes on the phone, and a scrap piece of paper to record information.

“I’m looking for something that will talk me through the route”

Get a girl. Or, and I know this is complicated, write down where you have to go. Write down the street names, directions, and times and distances if necessary. Google-map it.

“The one feature that I am looking for is the preventive/real time traffic function that supposedly will give me alternate routes to get to my destination (I live in Denver where there is traffic coverage).”

Sure, you can buy a GPS for hundreds of dollars, or you can determine your alternate routes in advance – for free!

“I’ve been in Seattle for the past few days with a group in a large charter bus (45 feet long, 12 feet tall). The Nuvi had me going down narrow neighbourhood streets and wanting me to take impossible hairpin turns.”

This person took on the responsibility of navigating and driving a charter bus without mapping his routes in advance. That is not only lazy, it is incredibly irresponsible. I am no bus-driving expert, but I thought a pre-requisite for driving a bus full of people was knowing the way.

What are you going to do with a “favourites” feature on your GPS? If you’ve been there once or twice you should know the way. So now you’re sitting there in your car, programming your “favourites” into your GPS while your wife’s gone back into the house to have cyber sex with her facebook boyfriend. Think about how sad that is. You’re poking an LCD screen with your fat fingers, and some banker is “poking” your wife on facebook to get into her pants.
Why do you need to program “waypoints”? You’re not a Boy Scout. Get a grip. The only reason you want that GPS on your dash is because it’s an accessory that looks cool. A status symbol. You felt the same way about a calculator watch when you were in elementary school. Wow, a watch and a calculator… in one! It looks like I have a super-computer on my wrist.

Cell phones.

I can spend anywhere between $30 and $50 a month to text and call people. Or I can make plans, and dump a few quarters into pay phones. And nothing says “I might be a criminal or secret agent” (both bad-ass occupations) like talking on a pay phone.
Unless you need to be reached at any time for work-related reasons, there is no need for a cell phone. Try to justify it all you want. Unless you’re stranded on the highway because your busted-ass Ford broke down again, there’s nothing you can do with a cell phone that you can’t do by planning and using pay phones. For emergencies, get a damn pre-paid phone, keep it in your car or whatever.
There’s nothing worse than having a boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, or husband that can get a hold of you any time of the day.
“What are you doing?”
“Getting groceries”
“… so… when are you coming home?”
“When I’m done getting groceries”

People that use their cellphones this way are usually control freaks. What do you think your partner is going to say?
“What are you doing?”
*heavy breathing* “Uhh… nothing…” *slapping sounds*
“Oh my god, you’re having sex with somebody else!”
“Busted! Why did I pick up the phooooooone???”