On Thursday Fox News reported that seven marines and one sailor were being charged with the premeditated? murder of an Iraqi civilian.

Although Fox neglected to mention that the Iraqi was also mentally handicapped, they covered most of the details quite well, including the charges of conspiracy, larceny, and obstructing justice. They even went on and spoke about the May 9th killings of three other Iraqi civilians, saying that a fourth soldier has been charged.

Holy fuck! If it takes this many Americans to kill such a small number of unarmed civilians, imagine how many it’s going to take to kill the rest of the insurgents.

It has to be true. You know why? Because I heard it on FOX NEWS!

Street racing is for? guys with small penises? who borrow their mothers’ cars. Most often? the vehicle is? a Honda, Hyundai, Suzuki, or some other shitty Japanese car that was meant to be driven around by suburbanite yuppies. Then they install a sound system that’s too big for a stadium, let alone a 5″ X 5″ shitbox, and they crank the bass so high that the only decipherable rhythm comes from the rattling of the tin can doors and toy-quality plastic dashboard. The vibrations are so intense that the end result is more akin to an oversized sex toy than a car.

The worst thing about street racing is that? they kill other people when they race on public streets. But the best thing is when the street racers themselves die. So what I suggest is that we set up little street racing courses that are blocked off to the public, and that way the street racers can wrap themselves around telephone poles and shit, and no innocent people are killed.

I am so tired of all these left-wingers ranting and raving about Marines massacring civilians in Haditha, so as a true American patriot, I’m here to give you the “facts“!

1. The day after the “alleged” massacre, the bodies were conveniently whisked away to a morgue. In other words, when American military police came by to investigate the day after the supposed atrocity took place, the bodies were gone! Suspicious? I think so.

2. A man who? knows a man who knows a guy that lives in Haditha? who lives two blocks away from the site? told investigators that he didn’t hear any gunfire that night. And how can Marines kill a bunch of ragheads unless they use their guns? hm?

3. A Marine said he didn’t know anything about it. Oh, snap!

4. A 9 year old girl at the scene changed her story. I mean, you’d think that if your parents just got whacked by Marines you would remember how it happened. Hooah!

5. These “alleged” actions, if they did occur, not that I’m saying they did, would still have been in accordance with the doctrine of a “Just War”, which as you know, is why we went into Iraq in the first place… To conduct a “Just War”.

6. Hillary Clinton keeps changing her position.

Hmmm…

I recently visited an undisclosed third world country, because I’m doing research there. And I noticed that wherever I went all the kids seemed so happy and playful. I played a soccer game with a pack of kids one day, and the next day it was hide and go seek. I didn’t get it. These kids live in the third world! Why are they so happy?

I thought back to all of those World Vision commercials and Christian Childrens’ Charity ads, and all the pictures of sad little kids, clutching raggedy teddy bears, tears streaming from their eyes, barefoot in front of their mud hut.

So what was going on here?

I decided to do a little experiment. The day after I played hide and seek with the kids I met them at the playground again, and this time I handed them a bunch of candy. Then, before they could even open the wrappers, I asked for it back. Some of them refused, so I pushed them down. Then I took this picture:

So that’s how they do it.

After seeing that AIG Insurance commercial I realized something. You know those “money saving techniques” that say we have to cut out the “small things” (ie: coffee, chocolate bars, cigarettes, fast food, pop, alcohol, etc.)? They’re full of shit.

Oprah and Doctor Phil are really big on these money saving techniques, but they ignore the bigger problem: People are so poor that they cannot afford what they need, and moreover, we must sacrifice simple pleasures to do battle with not only our own debt, but with a system designed to put us under.

These money saving experts state the obvious, like, “Two dollars a day, over the course of a month, adds up to over sixty dollars!”

Wow, it’s a good thing our money saving experts are also math geniuses. I bet that a coffee a day over the course of a year equals $730. I would tell you how I figured that out, but you have to be a “money saving expert”. Sorry.

Even if sacrificing a coffee a day would easily pay my phone bill, so what? Then I wouldn’t have my coffee. Even if sacrificing fast food once a week meant I could easily save a month’s worth of rent over the course of a year, so what? Then I would never enjoy fast food.

You’ll notice that when they tell you to cut back on “the little things” that “aren’t necessary”, they begin to encroach into an area that you once felt you were safe. Soon they are asking whether you “really need internet access in your home”, because after all, it’s available at the public library for free. Soon they are asking whether you really ever need to go to the movies or rent DVDs; after all, it will eventually come out on video.

Never mind that there are people who can stilll afford all of the things you’ve had to sacrifice.? Listen to the “experts”, and give up the “small things” that seem to make life worth living at all.? Do this, and you’ll be right where they want you.? ?

Of the 17 people arrested in a homegrown Canadian terrorist plot, 4 of them appear to be under 18. Now I don’t know about all those bleeding heart Liberals out there, but I knew these kids were involved in terrorist activity all along, what with their pants hanging low, oversized T-shirts? and Exco jeans.

And I’m not just talking about teenagers.

If any of the adults involved in the terrorist plot have children, we should question them immediately. Sometimes these Muslim kids throw stones and sticks and stuff at passing vehicles, and sometimes they don’t go to bed on time. Then sometimes when you ask them what they did, they make up a story… and then change it!? Innocent? I think not. They know exactly the political and social context, and that is why we would be justified in? massacring their families, just like those? Marines did? in Haditha. I mean, it was a roadside bomb that killed a? Marine!? As a rule, every Marine is worth at least two women and one child.? ?

There is nothing to say a person under 13 years of age does not know how to make a simple explosive device or detonator. It’s time we treat these children like adults… er… that doesn’t make any sense, hold on… Uh… The point is, we need more excuses to drop-kick kids. For every kid you don’t implicate in a terrorist plot, I’m going to implicate three, just keep that in mind.

Shit kick the kids.

As well, my only concern with the recent round-up of these alleged terrorists is that not enough of them were Muslim.