OMG everybody, I dunno if you just saw the latest episode of Holmes on Homes, but my dream finally came true. Mike Holmes and his crew came over and fixed my house, and it’s all because I wrote him this letter.

My letter:

Dear Mike Holmes,

We need your help! 4 years ago my wife and I purchased a detached 6270 sq ft home in Green Valley Acres (1 km south of the equestrian club). For the first three years, everything went beautifully. We really enjoyed the 3 acres of yard space, especially because we have no kids. We loved spending warm summer evenings relaxing in our gazebo, sipping vintage wine, comforted by the fact that we each make over $80,000 a year and our Land Rover is already paid off. But lately we’ve been having problems!

It seems our plumbing may have been done totally wrong! When we start the jets on our hot tub, the water that comes out first looks a little bit grey, and then it gets clear. Same thing when we start any of our taps, or when we flush the toilet. What makes this especially horrible is that we just had our kitchen renovated and had marble floors and granite counter tops put in. We’ve also noticed some grey water leakage in our basement, which makes us so angry because we just converted it into a rec-hall complete with wet bar, pool table, and walk-out to the stone patio and man-made pond with fountain. We called the people who built all of these homes in our area, but they said it was going to cost money to fix it! I hope you can help.

Mike Holmes’ response:

OH MY GOD I CANT BELEVE THEY DID THAT TO YOU. OK I WILL COME OVER. WHAT IS YOUR ADRESS I WILL MAKE IT RIGHT.-MIKE

Pictures:

Our house in Green Valley Acres. Only problem is… Something was wrong with our plumbing!

Our hot tub and back yard. And there’s our white show-horse, Pegasus, in the background! Hi Pegasus!

Mike Holmes helps lots of poor people. The people who live in this house hired somebody to finish their basement and make a rec room, guest bedroom, and wet bar… But it didn’t turn out the way they wanted. Luckily, Mike Holmes saw their plight and made it right!

Mike Holmes helps poor communities too. Here is a picture of a poor neighborhood that he helped because somebody didn’t build the fences right.

Do you have a story about Mike Holmes coming to the rescue? Share it here! Do you want to write your own letter to Mike Holmes? I can show you how! E-mail me at doubleincomenokids_homeowner@sympatico.net (please, no more renters and real poor people in apartments and condos and stuff asking for help).

1. It fills the void of a bleak reality, and a social life thats about as exciting as watching paint dry.

4. If we can’t get our jollies by “poking” people in real life, might as well do it through facebook.

And last but not least:

5. Someone’s gotta be “friends” with that chick thats been done 25 times might as well be…..?

Dear facebook, I cannot express in words my love for you and all the meaningful relationships you have facilitated!

Thank you

Purplehaze
**takes a bow***

Straight Up, Cut and Dry: If Jesus were here today, he would be in Iraq wasting some ragheads.

It’s easy to ask “How would Jesus vote?”? But it’s another thing? to ask “What would Jesus do about the 101 Americans killed in Iraq during the month of October?”

Some people? say that asking “what would Jesus do?” is ridiculous because it takes a worshipped? historical figure of unmeasurable importance and transports him into an extremely complex post-modern nihilist world that he could never have conceived. People that say this use too many big words, some of which are certainly dubious, ie: “post-modern”.

Asking “what would Jesus do?” is no different than postulating what the Little Mermaid might do if she were placed aboard the International Space Station. We can assume certain things:

1) That she would still love that guy.

2) That she would enjoy vacuum-sealed astronaut meals primarily composed of fish and seaweed.

3) That she would apply the same ethical standards towards the production of laser weapons and satellite surveillance as she would under normal cirumstances under the ocean.

See? So wear your “WWJD” bracelets and T-shirts proudly; after all, Jesus? would have approved of? turning religion into marketable novelties. In fact, we can assume he was diametrically - that is, he occupied a completely opposite position - opposed to not marketing religion.? Eh??

I am so tired of all these left-wingers ranting and raving about Marines massacring civilians in Haditha, so as a true American patriot, I’m here to give you the “facts“!

1. The day after the “alleged” massacre, the bodies were conveniently whisked away to a morgue. In other words, when American military police came by to investigate the day after the supposed atrocity took place, the bodies were gone! Suspicious? I think so.

2. A man who? knows a man who knows a guy that lives in Haditha? who lives two blocks away from the site? told investigators that he didn’t hear any gunfire that night. And how can Marines kill a bunch of ragheads unless they use their guns? hm?

3. A Marine said he didn’t know anything about it. Oh, snap!

4. A 9 year old girl at the scene changed her story. I mean, you’d think that if your parents just got whacked by Marines you would remember how it happened. Hooah!

5. These “alleged” actions, if they did occur, not that I’m saying they did, would still have been in accordance with the doctrine of a “Just War”, which as you know, is why we went into Iraq in the first place… To conduct a “Just War”.

6. Hillary Clinton keeps changing her position.

Hmmm…

Che getting ready to get some…

It’s a well known fact that communists are better in bed. Both males and females. Lets see why.

Males:

Capitalist males are greedy lovers. They fuck the way the market operates: As fast and expediently as possible to achieve the desired result regardless of the consequences. And there’s no fair trade.
Communist males, on the other hand, believe in market planning. They are very deliberate and methodical. This doesn’t mean they can’t be spontaneous; after all, they can be deliberately spontaneous! They try as best they can to share. Pleasuring the female is as important as his own pleasure, and if the woman is unsatisfied, the communist man will reimburse her. That is, unless the woman is simply unsatisfied that she didn’t have an orgasm, to which the male communist responds, “stop being such a greedy bitch and enjoy yourself!” Both the communist man and woman believe the G-Spot is a myth concocted by liberal feminists who can’t deal with the fact that guys can get off so easily.

A few other traits of the communist male:

- Bigger penises –> Why? Because. That’s why.

- Last longer –> Communists practice self control in every aspect of their lives. “Hmm, those Gap jeans look mighty fine, but maybe I shouldn’t buy them because I’m almost $2000 in the hole from grad applications”.

- Don’t cheat on their lovers –> Communists don’t cheat on their lovers because they don’t believe that cheating is truly “cheating”. We call it “spreading the love”. And when bitch is all like, “Why’d you cheat on me?”, we’re just like, “I DIDN’T!”

- Get you drunk on Marxist philosophy –> You’ll never have to worry about your communist man trying to get you drunk because he can do it using the power of his mind.

- Cleaner –> Communist men trim their pubes and all bodily hair, as well as wash regularly. They do this because they believe in public health care, and any man who does not take care of himself is a burden not only unto himself, but on the people.

- Won’t abandon you after they knock you up –> The communist man will stick around as long as it takes to convince you to get an abortion… Even after you conceive.

- Practice safer sex –> See “Cleaner” above.

- Better looking –> For some unknown reason, communist men are way better looking than capitalist men. We also have killer abs.

Females

Communist females are not insecure, obsessive, or jealous (or maybe that’s just my ideal woman). And they fuck the way a communist society would operate… Like wild, untamed animals!! Wrooaarrrr! Capitalist chicks consider you their property, whereas a communist chick understands that you belong to the people (ie: other hot women). Capitalist chicks are always after the orgasm. Communist girls don’t care whether they get an orgasm or not, but if they do that’s great. This is because they understand that women don’t get off as easily as men, and the G-Spot is a myth. They know that the guy can only go once and then he gets all tired and stuff, so they don’t just roll over and sigh after he cums. No, instead they just love it, because they’re selfless, the way a true communist should be.

A few other traits of the communist female:

- Not too skinny and not too fat –> Once again, the communist female remains healthy so as not to be a burden on the public health care system.

- Clean –> They don’t smell like tuna. They smell like vanilla and peaches all the time.

- Way hotter –> They have hotter asses and tits, and dress kind of like hippies, which makes them mysterious because they’re not showing everything off like a little tramp.

- Prettier hair –> They all have dreads, which is totally hot…

- Best head ever –> They give the best head beacuse they’re the least greedy chicks on earth. They just want to give it night and day, and all that practice makes them experts. They also, inexplicably, have perfect pouty lips, AWWW YEAAAH.

- They take it in the bum–> They don’t want to get pregnant and burden the system with another kid, so they take it in the ass on a regular basis.

- They aren’t retarded –> Unlike some leftist chicks, they understand that they have to stay home and breastfeed because the man can’t do it. So they don’t bitch about being at home to take care of the baby, as long as the man is there to help her do it, which is possible in a society that would pay every person for their labour regardless of whether it’s at home or at “work”.

- Tries hard in bed –> Following Marx’s call that there be an equal liability of all to work, the communist girl really tries hard to please her man in bed, jumping and squirming all over the place, and getting all oiled up, and making lots of noises and talking really dirty and… ok, I’ll stop.

I hope this summary provides an adequate enough argument to back my claim that communists are better in bed. If not, it’s because it’s probably not really true, although I am personally pretty good in bed.

- First, overwhelm your blog space with little pictures of things that you stole from everywhere. Remember: You don’t have to think for yourself. You can just take funny little pictures and look smart.

- Next, ensure you have a “blogroll” or something with all of your right wing buddies. Since you’re probably insecure, fat, and friendless, you’ll need to create the illusion of having friends. Make a long list. Make it so long there’s no way you have that many friends. If you’re gonna lie you might as well lie BIG.

- Now whore yourself out to some right wing authors and sell their books on your site. It will make it look like you read books, which we all know isn’t true, because the only thing you read is blogs.

- You have to say something about the ACLU. Although nobody knows what the ACLU actually is, we know it’s bad, so replace the “C” with the hammer and sickle and look smart.

- Remember to say you’re “Pro-Victory” in case somebody thinks you’re “Pro-Defeat”.

- Ever taken the time to do research into the philosophical, religious, economic, or feminist debate about abortion? Never mind, just say that it’s bad with a nifty jpeg.

- Make sure you provide a link to the United States Central Command, just in case somebody want to go to… the… United States… um… Central Command…

- Do you think the Israeli flag looks cool? You’re probably pro-Israel. Get a jpeg that says so.

- If your blog was one of the top 15 000 blogs in Idaho, make sure you say so with a little thing that says “Weblog finalist” or something.

- In case people can’t figure out already that you’re a Bush supporter, say so with a “Blogs for Bush” thing. Then when Bush gets impeached or tried at a war crimes tribunal, just say that you were never for Bush and see how many people believe you. Do it.

- Hillary Clinton is prettier than you. You are against Hilary. Say so with a nifty jpeg. Don’t make an argument against her, just get a cool looking picture that makes her look evil.

- If you like military stuff maybe you are a “milblogger”… Whatever, just get the logo, it looks awesome.

- Pretend that you’re more popular than you really are by selling your own merchandise. Nobody will buy it, but hey, now you have a bunch of fucked up T-shirts to get beat up in.

- Don’t forget the content! No right wing blog is truly right wing unless it divides humanity into two distinct groups: Liberals and Conservatives. There is nothing in between and nothing beyond. The world revolves around these two opposing forces. Also remember to link every second word, so people can go find out more about the word and why it’s significant, since your writing has no hope of speaking for itself.

These are just a few ideas to get you started. Happy blogging!

I was at Wal-Mart over the weekend, doing my bit to help out that poor struggling company, and I came across a children’s halloween costume. It was called “Native American Princess”, and it looked like this:

I thought this was so messed up. Especially since I’ve been spending quite a lot of time at a Native reserve, it just seemed like this costume made a joke out of Natives. It’s like they’ve already become a mythological people. It’s bad enough that some of the pow-wows the tribe puts on are purely for the entertainment of white tourists and have no historical significance. It’s not like we have costumes exhibiting stereotypes called “White Girl” or “Black Guy”, because, I’m hoping, we recognize that we still have white and black people around, and making these kind of costumes is just a bit… um… racist?
I saw a bunch of “Cowboy” costumes too, but they seemed a little historically innacurate and didn’t specify race, so I thought I’d share my own version:

Check these out, especially the last one called “Naughty Navajo”:

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Honestly, how do they ever expect me to get un-addicted to their site when they go around calling people “apostles of Satan” and “vessels of Satan”? It’s better than comedy. I laughed so hard when Johnny called Jez a “vessel of Satan” and then I shit my pants when Jez just took it like a champ. If they’d stop making such awesome jokes I’d stop visiting.

It seems the worse Jez is treated the friendlier he becomes. I wonder what would happen if I took a big coiled steamer on his head…

Since it’s October, this will be my last post on “them”. There is no point trying to convince these people.
They are in their own logic, and world and hopefully will extinguish on their own.

I will rather spend my time on clarifying Communsim and other issues from now on.

You may have thought that there were no casualties in Iraq anymore in the US. That’s the impression that I had. We would regularly hear ‘2 soldiers dead from suicide bomber’, ‘3 us soldiers dead from roadside bomb; … and it just went all away.
After noticing that the Iraqis security force and civilians dead were being only reported, I thought to myself well looks like they gave the dirty mess they created to the Iraqis themselves to clean it up…
Well, I discovered through another blogger at bravejournal that a neighbour family was affected from the death of a US soldier.
There is not much to say in such circumstances. I doubt that saying “He served his countries” brings any recomfort.

But I wondered why I had not read/heard about it ? Had I become Dumboy ? ‘Protesting’ in front of Army forts and encouraging my compatriots to go to Iraq and not realizing that I was sending them to a potential death ?

So I thought to myself… “mmm that’s a US casualties since a long time, but nothing nowhere’… So I looked more deeply and started to find the truth.
And then it struck me … Just like the kids dying from hunger in Africa, the casualties in Iraq have been an ‘acceptable’ event. We have been desensitized. Well THEY. The one supporting the war.
I looked a bit around, and it seems that good old CNN is keeping a ‘nice’ list.

To sum it up, since september, most of the times two young male soldier in quest of a job, for a way to pay their tuition fee, or feed their families died per day.
I am just speechless.

And we hear Christian Fundamentalist hoousewifes talking about CAB (Combat Action Badge) that the husband got ???? [And some other thousdand of husband will get]
Is not she the one “supporting” the troops ?
Why does not she for EACH of the fallen soldiers post a tribue and a little biography on their life ?? Instead of writing about the CAB ? Did not she realize that the family of one of those soldiers could read he arrogance ?
And … after all CNN the “MSM” did it ! So why not YOU ?

I will give you a medal. Because you do seem to live for medals and recognition.
To your husband the medal of arrogance… and to yourself the medal of hypocrisy.